A Fitzmas Fable

We wish you a Merry Fitzmas,
We wish you a Merry Fitzmas,
We wish you a Merry Fitzmas,
And a froggy perp-march!

In those days a decree went out from C-Plus Augustus that all Iraq should be disarmed by force. This was in the September before the first midterm, when Ari Fleischer was still Press Secretary, because one does not launch a new product in August. All Washington bowed down, and Iraq was invaded, yet no WMD were found. And Joseph Wilson went unto the New York Times, telling of his trip to Niger in Africa, because he had evidence that the president’s claim of uranium from Africa was bunk. Yet he did not mention his wife Valerie’s involvement, for she was undercover and hidden. Once Joseph went public her cover was treacherously blown, endangering her life. The time came around for the CIA to be furious, and they delivered a request for an investigation. And this gave rise to a case, and Joseph and Valerie laid their faith in Fitzgerald, for there was no justice for them at the White House.

Good Tidings we bring,
To you and your kin,
Good Tidings of Fitzmas!
And a froggy perp-march.

In that same country out in the fields (and gas stations) there were certain poor shepherds (and attendants and bus drivers) watching over their flocks (and pumps and routes and espresso counters) by night (and day or whatever rotten shift the boss’s nephew didn’t want, the jerk).

Unto these poor working stiffs an angel appeared from the heavens saying, “Do not be afraid, for I bring you good news of great joy; for you a charge has been made, an indictment has been given, born of the Rule of Law which may yet save this land. This will be a sign for you: you will see a man dragged from the White House in cuffs, and find the lying bastard in an Alexandria jail. And his name shall be Blossom-Turd, Too-Smart-By-Half Counselor, Prince of Sleaze.”

And suddenly there was with the angel a great multitude of the Kosterly host, praising Fitz and singing,

“Old Glory besmirched, but Glory to come,
Corruption in the highest!
Peace on Earth for those of goodwill,
Let’s bring our troops home now!”

Then all around the shepherds (etcetera) shone the light of reality, dispelling the dark fog that had settled over the land for four years. And they said to one another, “Let us go and see for ourselves the truth of the matter that the net has made known to us.“

So they went with haste and found Valerie and Joseph, and also the lying from the Oval. When they saw this, they made known all that had been sold to them about the war, and all were amazed at how much falsehood had been spun.

And America measured all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

Oh bring us some froggy marching,
Oh bring us some froggy marching,
Oh bring us some froggy marching,
On prime time T.V.!

There appeared in the land certain Techno-Magi from the East and West Coasts, who had been following the story in the internets for nigh unto two years. They came bearing gadgets, Phone and Treo and Blackberry, RSS-enabled for instant access to the breaking story. They came unto the domain of King Murdoch the Mogul of Media asking, “What of this case which might bring down George, King of the Losers? We have seen his star at its quenching, and have come to pay homage to Fitz.”

When King Murdoch heard this, he was sore afraid, and all the Media Moguls and Beltway insiders with him; and calling together all the chief pundits and scribes of the Media he inquired of them where the investigation was going. They told him, “In a contempt jailing for Judy Miller, for the prosecutor has gone astray. Is it not said that secrets are a dime a dozen in Washington? And surely highly classified material can be no different.” Yet their words rang hollow in their ears.

We won’t go until indictments,
We won’t go until indictments,
We won’t go until indictments,
And convictions to boot!

Then Murdoch secretly called for the Techno-Magi and learned from them the exact facts of the case. Then he sent them out on the internet, saying, “Go and search diligently for the truth, and when you have found it, bring me word that I may also go and have my people report it.”

When they had heard the old fox they set out, and there ahead of them went the investigation they had seen from its beginning, until it stopped over the office of the Vice President and the Rove. When they saw where the prosecutor focused, they were overwhelmed with joy.

Going into the indictments they saw the treason with Valerie its victim, and they knelt down with fear and trembling, but solemnly prayed for the Rule of Law. And all about the case the dumb beasts had come to comment, ox and ass and pundit, and the mouths of these were opened at last and they babbled, talking of the case incessantly.

But having been warned on the net that Murdoch wished only to spin and kill the story, the Techno-Magi reported back in a different way. Opening their personal electronics they offered up the news directly, on blog and wiki and list-server.

Good Tidings we bring,
To you and your kin,
Good Tidings of Fitzmas!
And a froggy perp-march.

Here endeth today’s lesson.